hurt

i often sit in my car during my lunch hour and eat alone. sometimes in silence. somtimes in the company of talk radio. but always by myself. i know people where i work. some for years. but none of them call to invite me for lunch. not once in 9 months. a couple were people i thought cared about me. were happy to share their time with me. but the only way we've ever had lunch together is if i make the first move. not anymore. not for a while now. what for? i know i'm slow, but i finally caught on.

it hurt when i finally came to my senses. physically and emotionally. no one ever wants to believe or admit they're not wanted. not considered good company. not considered at all. but that's my reality. what else can explain the fact that i still have yet to receive a phone call. not just for a lunch date, but for a hello. for a middle of the day reprieve. for a "you'll never guess what i just heard."

so i eat alone. every day. sometimes in the car. sometimes at my desk. but always alone.

stuck in neutral

not really moving forward. not really going in reverse. just stuck in neutral. i don't know if we'll ever rise above mediocrity.

i'm your puppet

aughhhhhhhh!!!!! i'm so tired of it. tired of being pulled around. yanked at the strings. motioning and mouthing whatever someone wants me to say or do. it's as though it's all i'm good for. i try to give my opinion, be creative, or at least make an effort and consistently i get shot down. please do not mistake this post for a pity party, self-loathing, or as an attempt to get attention. in truth, this is really intended as a wake up call to self.

STOP BEING A FUCKING DOORMAT!

desperately seeking susan..err, inspiration

so i'm still trying to find that thing that gets me so jazzed i'm all aglow with pride and passion each morning. of course, at this point i would settle for a glimmer of interest. every week i change my mind about what i want to do and be. i don't know where to look anymore.

i just know i don't want to be some 50 year old woman just realizing her life's purpose. or worse, never finding it altogether.

with all the people and opportunities and things i have been blessed with over the years, you would think i would have some understanding of my direction in life. alas, no dice.

anyone got a crystal ball?

sweat and the city

i want to blog, but i don't know what to write about. i'm interested in saying something, but what the hell do i say? life seemed more interesting months ago when i was living in a box in new york, walking about the city and witnessing countless acts of "what the fuck?" people shouting on corners about the end of the earth, immigrants selling "authentic" wares from their home countries, movie productions in the middle of the park, and mariachi bands singing off key for spare change in the subways. now, most of the sights i see on my miami commutes are accidents, brokendown vehicles, roadkill, and trucks pulled over by the d.o.t. jealous aren't you?

i know i need to move on and accept the fact that i do not live in ny anymore and that no matter how much i try to coax my husband, i'm not moving back. but damn there are days when a girl misses the off-beat characters who call the city streets home, the smelly cab drivers who fight with you over your fare, and the inocuous mix of urine, smoke, sweat, and falafel.

it's a slow process, but every day i try to adjust to my new old surroundings. i just never dreamed it would be this challenging to return to my roots.