hurt

i often sit in my car during my lunch hour and eat alone. sometimes in silence. somtimes in the company of talk radio. but always by myself. i know people where i work. some for years. but none of them call to invite me for lunch. not once in 9 months. a couple were people i thought cared about me. were happy to share their time with me. but the only way we've ever had lunch together is if i make the first move. not anymore. not for a while now. what for? i know i'm slow, but i finally caught on.

it hurt when i finally came to my senses. physically and emotionally. no one ever wants to believe or admit they're not wanted. not considered good company. not considered at all. but that's my reality. what else can explain the fact that i still have yet to receive a phone call. not just for a lunch date, but for a hello. for a middle of the day reprieve. for a "you'll never guess what i just heard."

so i eat alone. every day. sometimes in the car. sometimes at my desk. but always alone.

stuck in neutral

not really moving forward. not really going in reverse. just stuck in neutral. i don't know if we'll ever rise above mediocrity.

i'm your puppet

aughhhhhhhh!!!!! i'm so tired of it. tired of being pulled around. yanked at the strings. motioning and mouthing whatever someone wants me to say or do. it's as though it's all i'm good for. i try to give my opinion, be creative, or at least make an effort and consistently i get shot down. please do not mistake this post for a pity party, self-loathing, or as an attempt to get attention. in truth, this is really intended as a wake up call to self.

STOP BEING A FUCKING DOORMAT!